Nothing to hide.

I was about to shut down my website because I'm going through a disability review. I had this fear that someone would find my blog and dissect every last word, so that they could deny my benefits. Then it occurred to me that I have nothing to hide. My blog would, in my opinion, support my claim to continue disability. It's not like I'm out partying every night or running around all day long. I have serious problems then can amount to some pretty lousy days. On the flip side, I'm blessed with some days of pure happiness. I can't say I'm ever pain free, because that has yet to happen. I'm always tired. I'm always in some sort of pain. I've just learned to keep it to myself and to try and not let it show. I push myself, probably too hard some days, and I try not to give up too easily.

I think I've come along way since my diagnosis, which was just over 6 years, but I would still have a long ways to go if returning to a working environment full-time. My days and nights are so inconsistent. I never know if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. Plus, things can always change in a heartbeat. I almost never make plans and I've been known to back out of quite a few things. I'm totally unreliable, but not by choice. It's not a life (the health part of it) I would have chosen or wished on my worst enemy. It's not a death sentence either. I still live and love. I have plans and goals. I just have learned to be patient, grateful, and most of all flexible.

So, I've turned in every last piece of paperwork required of me, and trust me, it was a TON of paperwork. My brain is fried and my hands are cramped. I've given every last detail about my symptoms and activities. It's entirely out of my hands now, so I guess I'll just sit back and wait for the decision.