Skipped the pool today.

Yesterday I felt crappy and I took a long nap in the afternoon. Today I still didn't feel right, but I packed up my swim bag and headed out. 5 minutes out I realized swimming wasn't in the cards today. I felt limp as a rag doll and extremely tired. I came back home. I was really afraid to go to the pool and then it be too much for me. Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't want to feel extra crappy. I'm going to do everything to rest, relax, and hopefully, recoup a bit for tomorrow.

I went to the pool afterall. My legs and the rest of my body feel worse tonight. Maybe I should have stayed home?? I think I over estimate what I can do. I need to be more realistic and 'listen' to my body. You would think that after 6 years I would have a handle on all this, but I don't.

Should I stay or should I go?

I am SO incredibly tempted to skip swimming today. My legs feel like dead weight. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, and I just want some more sleep.

Last Friday, I was hesitant about going to the pool. I did make it, but I didn't do my usual routine. I was on a super modified, no impact workout - AKA just floating. My time in the pool was good for my mood, because I could vent and they 'get it'. My teacher and classmates all understand the ins and outs of chronic illness. I vent, they vent, and we all feel better. Maybe that's just what I need today?

Maybe not.

I can't decide and the clock keeps ticking...

I'm passing time until I leave for the pool.

The past two days have been lousy. I think it was a combination of starting back to the pool and taking my Methotrexate shot Wednesday morning. By Wednesday afternoon, I was a waste. I was weak and tired. This continued on through Thursday and here we are in Friday now.

I probably shouldn't even go to the pool today, but part of me thinks it might actually help. I won't know until I try, so I'm gonna try. Besides, I'm so sick of being in bed, which is pretty much what I've done the past two days. I need a break from being sick.

PAIN SUCKS.

Nothing to hide.

I was about to shut down my website because I'm going through a disability review. I had this fear that someone would find my blog and dissect every last word, so that they could deny my benefits. Then it occurred to me that I have nothing to hide. My blog would, in my opinion, support my claim to continue disability. It's not like I'm out partying every night or running around all day long. I have serious problems then can amount to some pretty lousy days. On the flip side, I'm blessed with some days of pure happiness. I can't say I'm ever pain free, because that has yet to happen. I'm always tired. I'm always in some sort of pain. I've just learned to keep it to myself and to try and not let it show. I push myself, probably too hard some days, and I try not to give up too easily.

I think I've come along way since my diagnosis, which was just over 6 years, but I would still have a long ways to go if returning to a working environment full-time. My days and nights are so inconsistent. I never know if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. Plus, things can always change in a heartbeat. I almost never make plans and I've been known to back out of quite a few things. I'm totally unreliable, but not by choice. It's not a life (the health part of it) I would have chosen or wished on my worst enemy. It's not a death sentence either. I still live and love. I have plans and goals. I just have learned to be patient, grateful, and most of all flexible.

So, I've turned in every last piece of paperwork required of me, and trust me, it was a TON of paperwork. My brain is fried and my hands are cramped. I've given every last detail about my symptoms and activities. It's entirely out of my hands now, so I guess I'll just sit back and wait for the decision.

Pretty tough week all the way around. Things are calming down finally. Start back to the pool tomorrow. I finally got a sleeping pill. It helps me fall asleep, but I don't stay asleep all night. I'm still waking up quite a few times. It's always the pain that wakes me up. I just can't seem to find that perfect combination to get me a solid night's sleep. I probably wouldn't know how to act if I had a decent night's sleep anyway!

Well, to bed I go...busy day tomorrow!

Pepto is nasty.

Now, on top of not sleeping, I have some sort of stomach virus. Yesterday was miserable. Last night was a nightmare. I'm tired and I can't get a decent night's sleep. Even trying to nap during the day didn't help. I just fall asleep and then jerk back awake. I barely got a few hours of sleep last night, so I contacted my PCP. He's calling in Ambien for me. I'm going to pick it up later today and pray it works for me tonight.

If I could crawl out of my skin I would.

I'm tired as hell but my muscles are restless and achy. I can't stand to be in my own skin tonight. If I could trade places with anyone I would gladly do so. I have taken every pill in my arsenal and still NO RELIEF! I lay there in the bed and kick and turn. I get up and walk around the house, but I'm so tired I'm stumbling and running into stuff. I try to sit here at the computer, all the while moving my legs. I cannot relax my muscles at all. They ache in such an uncomfortable way. I tense up so tight and then relax as loose as possible. I am frustrated, tired, angry, and in tears.

I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS.

I HATE NOT HAVING ANY CONTROL.

I HATE HAVING A MUSCULAR DISEASE.

I HATE EVERY DAMN THING ABOUT ILLNESS.

I WANT TO SLEEP.

I NEED TO SLEEP.

I'M SO TIRED.

I'M SO TIRED.

I'M SO TIRED.