Going To The Lab

My lab visit was crazy/hectic yesteday. I have been going to the same lab since 2001 and I have my favorite phlebotomist, Della. She can almost always get me on one stick, in the hand. I have small, spindly veins that go into hiding when a needle punctures my skin. However, over the years, we've figured out you have to rub and smack my hand a little to get the veins nice and juicy.

Anyway, I haven't seen Della for a while. I go every 12 weeks and I don't always get her, so we were excited to catch up. She drew my first 2 or 3 tubes (I wasn't paying much attention, could have been more or less) with no problem and then I was about to walk out. I remembered that "Urinalysis" was on the list. "Della, don't have to do a urine sample also?" She double checked, "Yep, sorry kiddo, I though it was crossed off." So, I headed off for my urine sample.

When I came out Della said, "Kristin, you won't believe us, but we need one more tube." I just laughed. So, I had to wait for the frightened kid in the chair to get his blood taken then I was back on the hot seat. I told her, "I guess I shouldn't distract you so much when you are entering my lab work information." She said, "Hey, it's been awhile and we had to catch up. At least, between the two of us, we got it all together!"

So, she went for the second stick and nothing. Damn, she rarely misses. She immediately called in back up. Good ol' Jackie came in and found in a few found a good one. One more tube done and I was finally released.

Walking down the never ending hallway I thought I was going to pass out. I poked my head in where my Mom works and she was very busy. I told her boss to tell her I had been there and I was too tired to stick around. By then I was sweaty and shaky. I had my cane, but felt unsteady on my feet. I headed to the elevators and out I went.

See you all in another 12 weeks...

Over the weekend it seemed that my psychological rollercoaster slowed down. I'm stunned that the change could happen so quickly. I've felt so mentally exhausted on top of my usual physical exhaustion. (Maybe my brain is just trying to reset itself.)

My back was killing me today, especially my shoulders. I took my Darvocet and Tizanidine which equals an instant knock out. I slept for quite awhile - I believe it was like 4 hours straight. It was okay with me because I felt as though I needed some serious down time to relax my mind and body after the past two week of flipping out all over the place. I still feel the need for quiet and feel reclusive.

Tomorrow I go for my 12 week lab check and that's about it for now.

I've been struggling with this new drug called Topamax. It's primarily marketed for migraines (which I have), but some Fibro patients have found relief with it because of it's nerve blocking capabilities. Well, I can get to 50mgs, but at 75mgs I start to, and I'm not kidding, lose my mind. I swear it exacerbates my depression and anxiety, plus it throws me into some crazy ass, scary mood swings. These past two weeks have been a nightmare. Why haven't I just dropped the drug all together? Well, I have been able to cut back on my Imitrex use and my biceps have felt better. It's helping, but at what cost...

So, I visited my PCP yesterday to discuss the situation. He said simply to back it down to 50mgs and enjoy what benefit I can get from that. I am on so many drugs that effect my brain that maybe this is just the one that just pushes me too far. If I can maintain 50mgs and get some benefit then leave it at that. If the psychological issues ramp up again we may need to back off on this drug again.

Why all the focus on this drug? Well, it's the only thing I've changed in my regimine lately. I started it back in November, but I didn't increase to 75mgs until Jan. 22 (the day I had an appt with my Rheumy). My Rheumy said you could go as high as 200mgs and why not bump it up. Well, next appointment I'll have to give her the bad news that I think this drug isn't going to be my save all and 50mgs is probably the highest I can go.

Now, I have to admit, I have been feeling more depressed since September with all this SSD review going on (who wouldn't). It's stressful and almost more then I can handle right now. So, when this whole drug increase came into play these past two weeks it's like I was falling off into the deep, dark end of nowhere land. I still don't feel good right now. I don't know how long it's going to take to get this extra dosage out of my system, but hopefully, I can resume some sort of normal status - my "normal" status - once things level out again.

I've also made the decision to get myself back into therapy and have my first visit on Valentine's day, of all days. I figured it isn't going to hurt to talk to someone, especially when I tend to keep things to myself. I have great support with my family and bf, but I just can't unload on them all the time. It has to get old at some point, wouldn't it?

The Mobile People at The Doctor's Office

I find myself looking at other people while they go about life so easily. I know outside appearances don't always give away what's going on in the inside, everyone has their story, but I'm focusing on their mobility. People move with such grace and ease. The fluidity of their movements with no second thoughts given. They move at fast paces, pull the doors open as if they are weightless, brush past me because nothing is holding them back, and get up out of chairs with such simple ease. Watching this, seeing this, in the real world, makes me want to stay home and be sheltered. I feel more disabled then ever.

"Ms. Renz?"

My pain screams at me when I get up out of my chair. My knees feel like they are ripping. My hips hurt, my thighs burn, my back is stiff and angry.

I envy and hate all of them at the same time.